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Effing Dykes Offers: Just What Lies Below (Her Nails) | Autostraddle


This is certainly a unique Guest article by

Krista

of

Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is actually a queer lady weblog that’s entertaining and smart and slightly raunchy and
WE LOVE IT
. Probably wouldn’t end up being a terrible concept to create aside a while and get drawn into an Effing Dykes wormhole, when you yourself haven’t already. Just make sure you keep coming back right here to read this post, since it is unique, as previously mentioned.

via ohcardigan


Hiya lezzers!


I’ve had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…



WHO WOULD LIKE TO HEAR A SCARY STORY??




MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!


Ensure you get your buddy. Everybody got your friend? Good. Hang on fast to your pal’s hand.


‘Cause this really is a true tale.


Ahem.



A Long Time Ago, whenever I had been thus recently homosexual I Did Not have any idea I Became freshly homosexual…


An older lesbian on now-defunct queer club known as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I became entirely just indeed there to dance)


gave me some advice:

1)


Never open a joint bank checking account along with your fan



2)


Cannot fake orgasms



3)


Make sure a lady’s fingernails are thoroughly clean.


The wise lesbian was at the woman belated 40’s, a generation thus far from the my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that i possibly couldn’t even envision just what it ought to be like to be therefore ancient.

via petitlapin


Exactly how sad, I Was Thinking. Right here she actually is at a bar and she is outdated. I am hoping I do not end lonely like their.


Isn’t really it enjoyable to be the biggest market of yours market?


Exactly what a tiny bit shit I was.

via diaghram


For reasons uknown, though, we was presented with from

Za’s


that evening saying the woman three guidelines to myself personally.


Whenever I woke upwards, I thought ones.


It actually was a lot like for the gold seat, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are recharged by Aslan to remember The indicators.


Never act like that you do not re-read your own Narnia boxed-set one or more times annually.


Anyway! throughout the years, I always recalled the three life lessons the lesbian had taught me. Her advice produced sense.


I never ever unwrapped a combined bank account with anyone.


We never faked orgasms once more following the first couple of occasions i did so it, realizing I happened to be, in reality, dooming myself to a perpetual period of shitty intercourse by rewarding bad overall performance with my whines of „ecstasy.”


And I also usually secretly checked a girl’s fingernails before we slept together.

via diaphram


Small? Check.


No abrasive borders? Always Check.


Thoroughly clean? It’s search time.


But precisely why, sluts?


What’s the big issue about fingernails?


What is actually because of the short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?


I mean, alright, I get it. It’s harder to fuck with extended fingernails. You could potentially maybe puncture a lung or something.


But it is perhaps not impossible. I had long nails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em is not all of that hard — you merely be sure to utilize the pads of one’s hands.


So just why had been that lesbian thus emphatic about thoroughly clean fingernails?

You guys, she ended up being



SO. EMPHATIC.


I made a decision to complete some debunking.


Definitely nothing could actually occur in the event that you got screwed by somebody with filthy nails.

via lesbiansftw


Following I recalled an account thus horrible I’d virtually forgotten it.


Homos.

via dirtyknife


Poor crap can happen.


This horror tale pertains to united states courtesy of my good-looking buddy ”


Cai



,” that has observed more cunt in heating than a kitty center on Free Spay time.


All Right.


Cai


was at Miami whenever she met a tremendously hot femme tres mure we’re going to call


Katie.


Katie


smelled like sugar snacks cooking, dressed in a leopard-print swimsuit, had enormous silver hoops that shimmered from inside the light, and had among finest asses


Cai


had ever observed.


She covertly texted myself an image of

Katie

at the share so she could brag, and that I texted back,


„i might hit that till my hand fell off.”

via hellogirls


Therefore, yes,


Katie.


Cai


took


Katie


home that evening. There was some significant sipping.


While undressing


Katie


from inside the half-light,


Cai


saw anything she hadn’t actually seen prior to:



Katie had cool fingernails.



Actually,




Katie




had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.


Cai


couldn’t prevent the psychological picture of the fingernails clawing down her straight back while she fucked


Katie


, very animalistic intercourse commenced.


Cai


actually allow

Katie


screw the lady, even though she ordinarily never allows anyone do that. What the hell, she figured. Going home tomorrow. Never ever see this girl again. I could get topped for a night.


Let’s fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?

via gilliansees


Something had been wrong with


Cai’s


„area.”


Honestly, seriously completely wrong. It itched. It burned.


Some, um, greenish-yellowish things ended up being oozing as a result. And when I say some after all extortionate. amounts. of. pus.


Cai


refused to visit the lady-doctor.


Because being encouraging is really what relationship is all about, whenever she informed me, we said,


„You at long last had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”


Cai


chuckled nervously. She moved home, googled „the clap” and turned into convinced that she did, undoubtedly have gonorrhea. She went, the very first time ever


(she ended up being 28),


to the queer-friendly area gyno hospital.


They didn’t know what was actually incorrect along with her.


They tested the lady for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Nothing.


Cai


was a student in some pain. She required answers. She were getting the


‘pus’


in


„pussy”


for almost a month now.


So they really gave their an ultrasound.



AND IS IT POSSIBLE YOU GUESS WHAT IT DISCOVERED.


Vaginal rips. All around the inside her vag.


A whole load of tears.


Cai


was indeed ripped to shreds. Her insides had been dangling in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe-paper birthday celebration decorations within.


And every little thing – every finally inches – was actually infected.


It could look that whenever Katie utilized her fantastic long fingernails giving

Cai


an energetic drunk-fuck, no person understood that the woman nails happened to be also a festering reproduction surface for



microbial vaginosis

.


Brilliant.


Cai


claims to have been a stone-cold leading since.


My closest friend wikipedia states you could get awful bacterial infections from dirty nails. Evidently, you can find sometimes staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, that could result in such a thing from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.


And do you know what otherwise?


Pinworm eggs.


S’all I’m gonna say.

these are pinworms


That a good idea lesbian was actually spot-on together with her existence classes.



Never ever start a shared checking account along with your partner.



Never ever artificial sexual climaxes.



And holy mom of god, examine a technique’s fingernails before banging.

by crystal gwyn


Or perhaps you are doomed to experience the fortune of Cai.



THE FINISH


I Need To question, though…



Have of y’all previously become any such thing terrible from another women’s fingers?



Or heard of a person who performed?



Or perhaps is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban misconception?


My hands are inching to the travel-sized Purell bottle.


I need answers.



Prior to going!

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