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Effing Dykes Offers: Just What Lies Below (Her Nails) | Autostraddle

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Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is actually a queer lady weblog that’s entertaining and smart and slightly raunchy and
. Probably wouldn’t end up being a terrible concept to create aside a while and get drawn into an Effing Dykes wormhole, when you yourself haven’t already. Just make sure you keep coming back right here to read this post, since it is unique, as previously mentioned.

via ohcardigan

Hiya lezzers!

I’ve had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…




Ensure you get your buddy. Everybody got your friend? Good. Hang on fast to your pal’s hand.

‘Cause this really is a true tale.


A Long Time Ago, whenever I had been thus recently homosexual I Did Not have any idea I Became freshly homosexual…

An older lesbian on now-defunct queer club known as


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I became entirely just indeed there to dance)

gave me some advice:


Never open a joint bank checking account along with your fan


Cannot fake orgasms


Make sure a lady’s fingernails are thoroughly clean.

The wise lesbian was at the woman belated 40’s, a generation thus far from the my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that i possibly couldn’t even envision just what it ought to be like to be therefore ancient.

via petitlapin

Exactly how sad, I Was Thinking. Right here she actually is at a bar and she is outdated. I am hoping I do not end lonely like their.

Isn’t really it enjoyable to be the biggest market of yours market?

Exactly what a tiny bit shit I was.

via diaghram

For reasons uknown, though, we was presented with from


that evening saying the woman three guidelines to myself personally.

Whenever I woke upwards, I thought ones.

It actually was a lot like for the gold seat, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are recharged by Aslan to remember The indicators.

Never act like that you do not re-read your own Narnia boxed-set one or more times annually.

Anyway! throughout the years, I always recalled the three life lessons the lesbian had taught me. Her advice produced sense.

I never ever unwrapped a combined bank account with anyone.

We never faked orgasms once more following the first couple of occasions i did so it, realizing I happened to be, in reality, dooming myself to a perpetual period of shitty intercourse by rewarding bad overall performance with my whines of „ecstasy.”

And I also usually secretly checked a girl’s fingernails before we slept together.

via diaphram

Small? Check.

No abrasive borders? Always Check.

Thoroughly clean? It’s search time.

But precisely why, sluts?

What’s the big issue about fingernails?

What is actually because of the short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?

I mean, alright, I get it. It’s harder to fuck with extended fingernails. You could potentially maybe puncture a lung or something.

But it is perhaps not impossible. I had long nails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em is not all of that hard — you merely be sure to utilize the pads of one’s hands.

So just why had been that lesbian thus emphatic about thoroughly clean fingernails?

You guys, she ended up being


I made a decision to complete some debunking.

Definitely nothing could actually occur in the event that you got screwed by somebody with filthy nails.

via lesbiansftw

Following I recalled an account thus horrible I’d virtually forgotten it.


via dirtyknife

Poor crap can happen.

This horror tale pertains to united states courtesy of my good-looking buddy ”


,” that has observed more cunt in heating than a kitty center on Free Spay time.

All Right.


was at Miami whenever she met a tremendously hot femme tres mure we’re going to call



smelled like sugar snacks cooking, dressed in a leopard-print swimsuit, had enormous silver hoops that shimmered from inside the light, and had among finest asses


had ever observed.

She covertly texted myself an image of


at the share so she could brag, and that I texted back,

„i might hit that till my hand fell off.”

via hellogirls

Therefore, yes,





home that evening. There was some significant sipping.

While undressing


from inside the half-light,


saw anything she hadn’t actually seen prior to:

Katie had cool fingernails.



had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.


couldn’t prevent the psychological picture of the fingernails clawing down her straight back while she fucked


, very animalistic intercourse commenced.


actually allow


screw the lady, even though she ordinarily never allows anyone do that. What the hell, she figured. Going home tomorrow. Never ever see this girl again. I could get topped for a night.

Let’s fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?

via gilliansees

Something had been wrong with



Honestly, seriously completely wrong. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish things ended up being oozing as a result. And when I say some after all extortionate. amounts. of. pus.


refused to visit the lady-doctor.

Because being encouraging is really what relationship is all about, whenever she informed me, we said,

„You at long last had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”


chuckled nervously. She moved home, googled „the clap” and turned into convinced that she did, undoubtedly have gonorrhea. She went, the very first time ever

(she ended up being 28),

to the queer-friendly area gyno hospital.

They didn’t know what was actually incorrect along with her.

They tested the lady for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Nothing.


was a student in some pain. She required answers. She were getting the




for almost a month now.

So they really gave their an ultrasound.


Vaginal rips. All around the inside her vag.

A whole load of tears.


was indeed ripped to shreds. Her insides had been dangling in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe-paper birthday celebration decorations within.

And every little thing – every finally inches – was actually infected.

It could look that whenever Katie utilized her fantastic long fingernails giving


an energetic drunk-fuck, no person understood that the woman nails happened to be also a festering reproduction surface for

microbial vaginosis




claims to have been a stone-cold leading since.

My closest friend wikipedia states you could get awful bacterial infections from dirty nails. Evidently, you can find sometimes staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, that could result in such a thing from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And do you know what otherwise?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna say.

these are pinworms

That a good idea lesbian was actually spot-on together with her existence classes.

Never ever start a shared checking account along with your partner.

Never ever artificial sexual climaxes.

And holy mom of god, examine a technique’s fingernails before banging.

by crystal gwyn

Or perhaps you are doomed to experience the fortune of Cai.


I Need To question, though…

Have of y’all previously become any such thing terrible from another women’s fingers?

Or heard of a person who performed?

Or perhaps is this mainly

(‘cept for Cai)

a lesbian urban misconception?

My hands are inching to the travel-sized Purell bottle.

I need answers.

Prior to going!

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